Motherhood Grief
The letting go of who you were…
I work with many mums, new and not so new, and a common remark that they make is “why does no one tell you how hard this is?”. For many, the postnatal period is overwhelming, exhausting, confusing and anxiety inducing time. As I’ve said many times before… parenting is the hardest on-the-job training you’ll ever do. And the reality is that while we grow in confidence as we journey along each new stage and phase for our kids is like re-training again. Anyone who has felt like they’ve finally figured out their child’s sleep or feed routine in infancy will undoubtedly be heard not long after exclaiming “and then they went and changed!”. Yep, those little tackers just keep growing!
But what I notice is often one of the most challenging, and almost never spoken about, is the grief that comes with saying goodbye to our pre-baby self. I know, I know, social media and society tell us we need to “bounce back”. That as if once we birth at some point everything will go back to “normal”. But the reality is we will be forever changed by the little people we bring into the world and accept the job of caring for. Post-partum is forever, my friends.
Similar to the loss of someone outside of ourselves that has a process we will journey through a few stages before we are really at a place of acceptance of all that has changed. Traditionally grief has a typical and recognised path. First we are usually in denial - usually occurring during pregnancy, convinced our baby will slot right into our existing life of date nights and spontaneous trips to the shops with only our handbag. Remember those?! Then we move on to anger - often felt as bubbling resentment towards our partners, friends or baby for the restriction or changes you’re suddenly living with. Then bargaining - I usually see this as trying to trade jobs with the partner not staying at home in an effort to get more ‘me time’ in the hope it will make you feel “normal” again. This is then usually followed by a period of depression - when you realise the bargaining didn’t work. It may not actually be clinical depression but a sadness or sorrow for what isn’t anymore. Sometimes we get stuck in a stage for a while or bounce around a bit between a couple of them. But if we journey through with support and communication of our needs and feelings we should then reach a place of acceptance.
From a place of acceptance, we can take charge, feel empowered and actively start to call in joy. For many Motherhood isn’t like the brochure. You know the one? With bright shiny faces that look lovingly at each other in admiration and respect. There’s no yelling, crying, or stretch marks in those photos. Everyone is joyously breastfed without a grazed nipple in sight. And everyone feels fulfilled and thankful for their new roles as parents. But the reality that’s just not life. We all experience struggles and challenges. We all need support. This Motherhood gig isn’t meant to be journeyed alone.
It’s amazing how the grief process changes for the women I see when they start to share. When they open up and realise they aren’t the only ones. That every other mother is going through some version of the same thing. And in that support, we can find comfort and strength to journey onward. To be able to look back fondly, find gratitude for all that is and look forward with optimism and excitement.